savingian

A little bit more than halfway through with our first year of residency training under a straight subspecialty training program and my soul feels run by el nino multiple times, immensely arid and unmotivated. All the leg work and demoralization, intended to polish and produce the sparkly diamond in us, is sapping the life in me, unfortunately. A break was intended around this time. A break, a refreshing breath of clean air, is a MUST at this time. I came home with that purpose gripped tight in my hands and nothing was gonna hold me back in leaving. It was make or break.

I think about all the things that I wish not to go through again. There are about a dozen, no, hundreds of unreasonable “fugly” (fat and ugly) things, pushing me off into never coming back. Overtime, the word “quit” runs through my empty head. The easy way out presents itself alluringly. And I retrace my steps back. Was this really what I wanted? How crazy was i when i thought I’d be able to handle it without cranking up like shit, like how I am at this very moment? It’s funny now. It’s unbelievable. All of a sudden the end in view is hazed up by the present day’s tradition. I take the time to ponder. Even my wallet refuses to come back.